Cardi B, whose courtroom couture ensembles are so good it makes me want to commit crimes and misdemeanors, is currently embroiled in a $5 million lawsuit against a man who claims she used a photo of his tattoo on a mixtape without permission. As part of the legal proceedings, Cardi was deposed on April 19 and said deposition was recently unsealed by a judge who clearly knows the key to my happiness. Cardi B, as you might expect, talks exactly like Cardi B even under oath and answering questions in the law offices of Reddick, Bozeman, and Lockhart. For instance, during an exchange between Cardi and a lawyer, she was asked how often she goes to California on an annual basis. She replied, “I go there a lot now.” The lawyer asked, “For what reason?” Cardi answered, “Work reasons.” Case closed for me, but the lawyer needed more information, asking “Yes, why?” Cardi’s answer: “Because I’m Cardi B.”
Okay, I’m no legal expert (although I did complete the Ruth Bader Ginsburg workout and I once took an LSAT class) but I feel like Cardi’s answer is both complete and unimpeachable and maybe we should add it to the Constitution somehow? Cardi was like “let the record show: the reason I do the things I do is because I am me. No further questions.” This is an ontological flex.
This is the level of professional success to which we should all aspire. Indeed, even if we can’t get their in our own careers, we should just adopt this practice anyway. The next time someone questions any of my behavior I’m just going to reply, “Because I’m Cardi B.” There is no redirect, your honor.
Apparently, however, the plaintiff’s counsel did not get the message of who, exactly, Cardi B is, because later in the deposition she went on a long monologue about herself that will one day win Zendaya an Oscar.